What’s your name again?

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BOBBY MOTUS
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January 19, 2018
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LIFE is full of the unexpected that, once in a while, we encounter them. One of these unusual occurrences is extraordinary-sounding names that, after the initial shock, require several verifications. A good number of us, my person included, have queer-sounding names.

From the borderline obscene to the ridiculously sublime and everything in between, here are some of the sporting world’s personal identification anomaly that, upon mention, provoke deep thinking, aside from bringing smiles to our faces. Mind you, these names are real and how they got it, I don’t think I want to know. Here we go.

METTA WORLD PEACE. The Artest formerly known as Ron had a nice name some time ago but when his mind went a little off, he changed it. Maybe because of his turbulent past he wanted to have peace anywhere he goes.

WORLD B. FREE. MWP probably had this guy as his model. He was born Lloyd B. Free and could have opted to World Peacy and then Artest would have been Metta Free World.

GOD SHAMMGOD. His parents, in their past lives, could have been a bishop and a nun. Had he played longer in the NBA and teamed up with Shabazz Napier, we could be hearing play-by-plays like “Shabazz alley-oop to Shamgod…Bam! Shagod!”

BOL BOL. Manute Bol’s son is getting to be a hot commodity in prep basketball but, my goodness, the name is almost taboo in the vernacular.

JELLY BEAN BRYANT. Why Kobe’s dad had this name, only his mother can tell. And dad named his son after a city in Japan. Imagine if dad Joe named KB Hiroshima and we hear the Staples Center announcer say, “Hiroshima drops a 3-point bomb…Boom!”

GOD’SGIFT ACHIUWA. I must admit that we are all God’s gift to our parents, but his mother is really thankful that she’d let the whole world know about it. He played college ball but never made it to the NBA.

POOH RICHARDSON. Of all the available sweet-smelling names in the almanac, this former LA Clipper shooting guard picked the stinkiest.

MAJESTIC AND SCIENTIFIC MAPP. The Mapp brothers played college basketball and their parents probably named them after a Chinese restaurant and a calculator.

IVORY WHITE. Google gives you sites for tooth-whitening creams if you search this name. Two different shades of white, as the name makes you think that one has pearly complexion, but the former Alabama guard is dark-skinned.

HIPPOLYTE TSAFACK. He played for Memphis State, is 6’8″ and almost 250 pounds. You’ll have to think twice defending against this guy. Hippolyte is named after the daughter of the Greek goddess of war Ares. When he’s driving hard to the basket, get Tsafack out of Hippolyte’s way.

COCO CRISP. The Oakland Athletics is a good baseball team, so good that they never, ever missed a meal having had a player named after a breakfast cereal.

YOURHIGNESS MORGAN. The college football player’s name sounds arrogant and aristocratic but his game is not exactly royalty. I imagine the mom yelling, “Clean up your mess, Yourhighness!”

MYSTERIOUS WALKER. He was a multisport athlete in college and played pro baseball but he never stayed put, getting involved with several teams – yup, you guessed it – mysteriously walking away every time. His location is still a mystery as of today.

BEN GAY. The NFL running back will never have a problem with body aches. If you’re named after a liniment, you just simply caress your muscle pains away after every game.

MIROSLAV SATAN. If he’s not making goals in the National Hockey League, he might as well take away opponents’ souls.

3K BATTERY. The boxer from Thailand probably survives on battery fluid and engine. I wonder if his dad is called Turbo Diesel and his mom Engine Coolant.

Depending on your imagination, these names need parental guidance.

DICK TRICKLE. He’s a retired NASCAR driver and, with their race cars plastered all over with sponsors, he could have been the perfect advertisement for all those nocturnal performance enhancers had he still been racing today. His car would scream something like, “Soft? Let Dick Trickle you.”

LUSCIOUS PUSEY. His parents need enlightenment. Why would they name their son Luscious if their last name is Pusey? He played college football and, guess what, he defended against charging dicks.

The longest name ever in the NBA – and perhaps in the entire world of sports – belongs to DIKEMBE MOTUMBO MPOLONDO MUKAMBA JEAN-JACQUES WAMUTOMBO. It’s a relief that family and friends just call him Deke. Jean-Jacques probably was simply misplaced./PN
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