ONE OF the questions I am often asked after speaking about gender-inclusive language is surprisingly simple: “What should I call them?” Behind that question is usually a sincere desire to avoid making mistakes while showing respect.
Many people assume that all members of the LGBTQ community prefer the same honorifics or pronouns. In reality, there is no single answer. Just as every person has a unique name and identity, each individual also has personal preferences about how they wish to be addressed.
This was one of the questions I explored in my study involving non-binary Ilonggo college students. The findings challenged many common assumptions. Although participants were familiar with traditional pronouns, gender-neutral pronouns, and even neopronouns, most still expressed a preference for the traditional pronouns “he” or “she,” depending on how they personally identified and wished to be recognized.
This finding reminds us that we should never assume that every non-binary person prefers the singular “they” or other gender-neutral pronouns. While these pronouns have become more visible in international discussions, individual preferences remain exactly that—individual. The best approach is not to guess but to listen.
The same principle applies to honorifics. In everyday life, Filipinos frequently use “sir” and “ma’am” as expressions of courtesy. In many situations, these words are spoken automatically without any intention to offend. However, for some non-binary individuals, these traditional honorifics may not reflect how they see themselves. Others may be perfectly comfortable with them. Again, there is no universal rule.
Perhaps the most important lesson from the study is that respect begins with asking rather than assuming. When appropriate, politely asking, “How would you like to be addressed?” can prevent misunderstandings and communicate genuine consideration. It is a simple question, but it acknowledges that every person’s identity deserves recognition.
Of course, many readers may wonder whether asking such a question will make conversations awkward. In most cases, the answer is no. A respectful question asked with sincerity is often appreciated more than an incorrect assumption made with confidence. And if asking is not possible, using a person’s name until you know their preference is usually a thoughtful alternative.
The findings also suggest something that is often overlooked in public discussions. Pronouns and honorifics are not merely grammatical choices. They are part of how people experience respect in everyday interactions. The issue is therefore not about political correctness or following trends. It is about recognizing that language carries meaning beyond the dictionary.
My experience as a language teacher and researcher has taught me that communication is successful not only when our message is understood but also when the other person feels respected. Grammar teaches us how to form sentences. Courtesy teaches us how to build relationships. The two should always go together.
The good news is that no one is expected to know every pronoun or every preference. Language continues to evolve, and all of us are still learning. What matters most is our attitude. A willingness to listen, to ask respectfully when appropriate, and to correct ourselves after an honest mistake speaks far louder than perfect vocabulary ever could.
Perhaps the question is not simply, “What should we call them?” A better question is, “How can our words make another person feel respected?” When we begin with that question, the answer often becomes much easier. Respect starts not with perfect language but with genuine consideration for the person standing in front of us./PN
